Without Plan and Without Fail

Just a Coffee, Please

2011-12-03T04:57:00.005+10:00

As a frequent traveller, I expect certain cultural differences to be apparent no matter where I go. Even being in places that are very similar in modernity, you often find strange things that stand out. These are usually things that are so engrained in you as habit, that you would never even step outside and consider that a culture so similar to yours would do it differently (I say this, because in some countries just walking off the plane tells you to expect nothing similar to home.)

Things like, how in Canada, we say "washroom" for toilet, but go some where as close as the states and they think you mean the laundry room. My recent interest in wanting a family would have the Brits calling me broody, and the Aussie's calling me clucky, but to my recollection, there is no Canuck slang term for women wanting a baby.

This is the newest one for me - coffee. Drip coffee just doesnt seem to be all that popular outside of North America. I expect java-snobbery out of Europe - although I'll admit, the instant coffee that raided grocery shelves was a telling sign of the level they actually cared when in the comfort of their own home. Conversley, with the laid-back, care-free attitude most of the world stereotypes about our friends from down-under, I was shocked to see that ordering a plain, black, drip coffee in a restaurant made me bogan (another new favourite Oz term - google it). I thought I was a coffee expert... until I looked at a menu in a coffee shop and realized I only new what 4 of the terms meant (from a girl who worked at starbucks this is just wrong!) You have no idea what I'd give for a festive eggnog latte right now.

I Could See It When We Danced

2011-11-16T21:20:00.000+10:00

I could see it when we danced,

The song we sung that day.

A melody all our own, enhanced,

And quietly leading the way.

The song we sung that day,

Unheard by our hearts before,

And quietly leading the way,

Like a silent ronde on the dance floor.

Unheard by our hearts before,

We ventured into the unknown,

Like a silent ronde on the dance floor,

The music, your arms, your cologne.

We ventured into the unknown,

With risk and fear, but not flight;

The music, your arms, your cologne,

You lead me valiantly through the night.

With risk and fear, but not flight,

And moving solely by your touch,

You lead me valiantly through the night,

Without a falter, a pause, or such.

And moving solely by your touch,

A melody all our own, enhanced,

Without a falter, a pause, or such,

I could see it when we danced.

- M. M. Landry

I'm on a poetry spin at the moment... next post will be a blog :-)

From The Pit of Chagrin

2011-11-15T16:19:00.001+10:00

Out from beneath my feet
I fell,
Unable to handle retreat.
From nowhere did deception a’ swell,
Creating a harlequin heat.

A storm from within my soul
Did rise,
Offering self and control;
Without restraint or clear seeing eyes,
I jumped deep into that hole.

There in penitence and sin
I sat,
Conjuring reproach from within.
With no one to share and inept to combat,
I fell even deeper from him.

And out of remorse and respect
I cried,
No more lies or care for effect!
This bottle was full and could no longer hide,
Thus I spoke every truth and regret.

The amount of anguish and sufferin’
I brought,
As I climbed from the deep pit of chagrin,
Slashed and stabbed at our love, no forethought,
Then suffocated the flame from within.

As a gift to oneself,
As forgiveness must be,
The flame renewed higher and hotter.

And out of that light
Came a gift from above:
A new trust,
A new friendship,

A new Love.

- M. M. Landry

Happiness is like the old man told me...

2011-11-14T15:59:00.000+10:00

There is a lesson I keep needing to re-teach myself in life (and I’m sure I’m not the only one.) I’ve probably written about this in past blogs, but let’s face it, these blogs are an expression of what’s on my mind and in my life, so if I’m re-writing it, then so be it.

Happiness is not a goal you can chase or seek out. It equates to satisfaction and contentment in the life you are living, and the starting point, despite how strange it may sound, is to be at peace with where your life is at, even if that means holding hope that things won’t be as difficult in the future.

The idea of chasing satisfaction is absurd, because in order to seek it, you have to admit you are unsatisfied, which is the whole point. To be happy - truly happy in the now - you have to learn to accept and be satisfied no matter where you are at in life, or you will constantly be chasing that superficial form of happiness (in whatever form that may take – money, power, fame, love.) And this doesn’t mean that in order to be happy you can’t make changes in your life to make it better, it just means the goal of those changes isn’t to find happiness, it’s just to make life… well, life.

I’m trying to teach myself how to be happy right now, even though things are difficult. I’m trying to teach myself that it’s not something I can chase; that I need to just accept and be satisfied that my life is the way it is, and the changes I make in it won’t make me happier, it just changes my life. A deeply content person will be fulfilled no matter what comes crashing down on them. It doesn’t mean they won’t feel sadness and anger, or sorrow and grief, it just means that when the distress is over, and they’ve gone through their emotions, that contentment for their life still exists. Those things around them can’t change the level of satisfaction they feel on the inside.

I’m trying to teach myself to do that. But in admitting that, I guess the point still hasn’t sunk in for me, because I’m flat out stating that I’m not satisfied, and therefore I’m seeking it, rather than just letting it come naturally.

Letting it come naturally. I think 'The Fray' clarify this best. Take a moment to listen to the lyrics and forget he wrote it about a girl.

"... Happiness is like the old man told me
Look for it, but you'll never find it all
Let it go, live your life and leave it
Then one day, wake up and she'll be home
Home, home, home"

"I walked a mile..."

2011-11-13T18:10:00.001+10:00

I was reading back through some of my old blogs and came across one describing the emotional roller coaster I rode prior to leaving for Ghana. I chuckled a bit at the familiarity of what I was going through right now. This time – despite heart ache and extreme stress – I’ve been doing a much better job of packing, cleaning and dealing with all the goodbyes. It’s quite different, because I don’t have the same network of friends here in Calgary as I did in Vancouver. And of the friends I do have here, I have never found the need to lean on them for emotional support as I might have only a few years ago. That part makes the goodbyes much easier.

It was a similar feeling before I left to work on the cruise ships as well. Lots of goodbyes and packing my life up. Never knowing what my life was going to look like in days, months or years to come. Each time has become a bit more adventurous and a bit more risky. This might sound odd considering my first jaunt overseas was to West Africa, but I knew I had my Uncle there and he would take care of me. The cruise ship environment was a bit more of a risk as I was on my own without a safety net, but it was easy to calm my nerves knowing regardless of how hard things got, I had a room to sleep in and food to eat for the next six months… or at worst, a plane ticket home.

Now, it’s Australia. There is no safety net. I have some friends down there to give me a hand, but no one to depend on. No home, or guaranteed meals. I’m completely providing for myself. Yes, Australia is Western civilization and if I can make life function here, I can make it succeed there. However, the Work/ Holiday Visa doesn’t give you the abilities to get a job and “have a normal life” down there. I’ll be back-packing and seeing the country on my own steam (sans credit cards and a huge savings account.) And that is only the first portion. Hopefully after coming to terms with my level of resourcefulness and courage, I’ll be heading through some much less developed countries and trying to make things work in South East Asia for a while. The next trip, which will take me through Bangladesh, India, Pakistan, Iran, Turkey, Greece and Italy, will be the biggest test I’ve ever done. My “without plan” philosophy may definitely crash and burn here; prearranged travel visas and limited amounts of time to get straight through the middle of Iran without getting arrested will be of concern… but for the most part… it’s all just an idea. And I’m sending it out into the universe and seeing what comes from it.

From that perspective, this is the hardest/ riskiest journey I’ve ever taken. While the goodbyes have gotten much easier, I now know the fear will never diminish. It will all be worth it - and I know I don't need to justify that to anyone. The lessons to be learned and the challenges I face will only stand to make me a better person. But knowing that doesn't calm the fears.

Pardon my French, but I’m scared shitless.

I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow,
And ne'er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,
When Sorrow walked with me.

-Robert Browning Hamilton

It's 15,000Km from Vietnam to Switzerland

2011-11-12T16:13:00.001+10:00

Plans are bad for me. This I know.

But I have one.

I don’t have the details of how I’m going to make it all happen, but I trust it will work. It always works out when it’s meant to be. When it comes from a place of peace. (Keep in mind this all comes out of heartbreak and 3 glasses of wine while packing up old memories for the last 3 hours.)

I have a plane ticket to Australia for 2 weeks from now. Then a couple places to stay, and maybe some job opportunities. I have a place to go for Christmas, and a brother who is so excited to see me.

I’ll stay there for a few months, make sure I have enough money to take on the next part of this journey.

A flight to Singapore for $500 AUD. Then a 15 day rail pass from Singapore through Kuala Lumpur up to Bangkok. It obviously won’t take 15 days, but I’ll drag it out. That should be about $70 USD plus food and hotel/ hostel costs.

I have a place to stay in Bangkok (fingers crossed it’s still there when I arrive.) Maybe a month of soul searching, daily yoga and local beer to set myself straight.

From there, another train to HCMC, Vietnam, where I’ll grab hold of a work visa and teach English until I have enough money for the 15,000km journey to get back to the one I Love who will be in Switzerland, or somewhere else in Europe.

And then happily ever after.

I hope.

Interested in how this journey of soul-searching and life-learning works out? Well stay tuned. Miranda the blogger is back. This time I mean it.

PS – Mom… I’m going to be just fine.

AS virtuous men pass mildly away,
And whisper to their souls to go,
Whilst some of their sad friends do say,
"Now his breath goes," and some say, "No."

So let us melt, and make no noise,
    No tear-floods, nor sigh-tempests move ;
'Twere profanation of our joys
    To tell the laity our love.

Moving of th' earth brings harms and fears ;
Men reckon what it did, and meant ;
But trepidation of the spheres,
Though greater far, is innocent.

Dull sublunary lovers' love
    —Whose soul is sense—cannot admit
Of absence, 'cause it doth remove
    The thing which elemented it.

But we by a love so much refined,
That ourselves know not what it is,
Inter-assurèd of the mind,
Care less, eyes, lips and hands to miss.

Our two souls therefore, which are one,
Though I must go, endure not yet
A breach, but an expansion,
Like gold to aery thinness beat.

If they be two, they are two so
    As stiff twin compasses are two ;
Thy soul, the fix'd foot, makes no show
    To move, but doth, if th' other do.

And though it in the centre sit,
Yet, when the other far doth roam,
It leans, and hearkens after it,
And grows erect, as that comes home.

Such wilt thou be to me, who must,
    Like th' other foot, obliquely run ;
Thy firmness makes my circle just,
    And makes me end where I begun.

- John Donne

A perfect day

2011-09-05T18:10:00.000+10:00

Today, my husband brought me breakfast and coffee in bed. I finished reading Cannery Row by John Steinbeck. We explored the Calgary Canada Olympic park and saw a street luge race. We ate burgers for dinner at a retro 50's style diner, Angel's Drive-in. After that, we came home and watched "The Good Wife", and then I baked home-made chocolate oatmeal cookies for my hubby and had them with a cup of tea.

Today was a perfect day.

Thank you for reminding me what a perfect day looks like.

"Lotteries are Stupid"

2011-08-26T00:09:00.000+10:00

I was watching this episode of House, MD last night. Strange and totally unrealistic show, but captivating and exciting, none-the-less. The episode sort of surrounded some of the characters viewing certain aspects about their life or how they live their life and attempting to change it. Olivia Wilde's character was stubborn in her belief that we are who we are, we can't change that. It's born into us, and thus, "lotteries are stupid." Her mentality being that winning the lottery will not make you happier or make your life better, simply because how happy you are and how good you've made your life to this point is dependent solely on who you are as an individual.

This whole perspective sounded really depressing to me. I know I am not doing justice to the argument the show was trying to make (probably because I think it's very wrong), but I hope you get the point.

Now, I started off wanting to combat this with "I know tons of people that have changed their life around and are happier for it." When in fact, it's only 2 or 3 people, and everyone else sort of lives in this middle ground (like me) where we are mostly happy, but sometimes life gets us down, and then ideas like winning the lottery sound like great solutions.

And then I started thinking, maybe I just don't agree with Olivia Wilde's character simply because I don't want to. I want to believe that winning the lottery would change my life. I want to believe that making changes in my life that are good for me will directly affect my overall life satisfaction and help me to be happier. Now, I'm quite confident that winning the lottery won't make me happy... but it would sure go along way to quieting down some stress in my life. But it's like "they" say - you will always find something else in your life to stress about.

This discussion always leads me back to a truth I cannot yet live: Learning to be satisfied with what you have now, is the only way you will ever be happy. It is essentially the same idea as the point the show is making in that I don't believe our happiness is dependent upon things that happen around us. But I do believe we can change our attitude and how we approach life, and those changes within us - not around us- will have a huge impact on how happy we are today.

Now if only there was some magic formula that would help us figure out how to do that...

Nailed it.

2011-08-18T01:40:00.002+10:00

“Writing is a form of therapy; sometimes I wonder how all those, who do not write, compose, or paint can manage to escape the madness, the melancholia, the panic fear, which is inherent in a human condition”

Graham Greene quotes (English novelist, short-story writer, playwright, and journalist, 1904-1991)

I'm doing OK...

2011-07-16T15:54:00.000+10:00

Somehow, some when, I ended up falling into this horrible, snowballing mentality that I wasn't doing very well at life.

One little thought about how I didn't feel like I was accomplishing what I should have spiraled into a phase of life I've never experienced before, and hope I never do again. Struggles with finances, lack of energy, and newly developed bad habits made it really difficult for me to see my life moving in a positive direction, and began to make me doubt all the decisions I was making. More forwardly, made me doubt myself.

Moments of rational, positive thinking pulled back on track, keeping me from any sort of depression or hopelessness, but feeling "down" was an understatement. I wonder at times if having lived in such a closed-in, small world [like the cruise ship environment] made it a little more difficult for me to look at life through that wide-lens again. When I look at my current situation now, I see success. I see drive and motivation. I see focus and achievement. I see goals, plans, and actions. Somehow, earlier, all I saw was the stress, lack of control, and feelings of failure. Possibly a little influence from you-know-who downstairs.

I had the gift (more so, an answer to a prayer) of going for tea with my long, lost friend Kristina last night. I may actually be the long, lost one, but that's besides the point. She did an absolutely amazing job of reminding who I am, and all that positive energy I had worked so hard to achieve. She showed me, through her actions, through her positive message, what I used to instill in others.

All I see now is how much I've done. Three and a half months ago, I wanted to stop working on cruise ships and for David and I to settle in Calgary for a while, find a job as an event coordinator, and have a normal life for the time being. A little time to catch my breath again and remember life doesn't always have to be some grand adventure. Well guess what? We've got our apartment full of furniture in Calgary with our little flower pots outside. I have a great job as an Event Coordinator (even if it's not perfect) where I get to be creative and work hard at something I enjoy doing. And I'm slowly but surely re-grounding myself. And with the help of great friends like Kristina, I'm remembering all those positive things about myself. I think, for 24 years old, that's far from failing. In fact, that's pretty darn good.

We've got more plans in the work, and I'm completely ready to knuckle down, focus and enjoy reaching more new and exciting goals.

Forgive me for no exciting stories, but to me, right now, the everyday challenge of learning and remembering how to be satisfied with life on a day to day basis is pretty exciting. How am I supposed to enjoy the big things if I can't enjoy the small ones?

A Lot of a Few Words

2011-06-04T12:53:00.000+10:00

I'm not a woman of few words. Those following my posts will be aware of this. I imagine this is why twitter has never appealed to me. How can I say what I need to in only 140 characters? I think I listen well, and I hope my conversations with others do not sound like monologues of self-indulgence, but the fact that I am always acutely aware of these things assures me that I must fall into a category of people who enjoys talking more than the average person.

This has changed recently. After months as an untitled "social host" on the cruise ship, I find myself still recovering from the barrage of "friends" I had to make, and acquaintances I had to converse with constantly throughout the days/ months/ year of my time as Cruise Staff. I assume now that I'm satisfied socially, that or I've just grown out of my previously narcissistic, conversational obsession. Or maybe it's just that, in growing up, I feel less of a need to fill dead air with my voice.

Whatever the case, I find this blog ironic in two points. One, in that I'm saying I'm no longer narcissistic and yet I've just written a blog solely about my personal growth, and second is that in saying I like to talk a lot, it's one of shortest blogs yet.

Caution: Life Building in Progress

2011-04-20T01:17:00.000+10:00

When David and I left the ship we pretty much had free range over where we wanted to live. While we did consider factors of friends and family, economy was probably the biggest influence. Knowing that I was going to be the sole breadwinner until his permanent residency application is approved, I needed to know I could make a decent salary – and fast.

We chose Calgary.

And I don’t think we could have made a better decision. Within a couple weeks of getting here I managed to land a couple jobs and get more than my fair share of job interviews and offers. Now, you must understand, while I come somewhat qualified in a few areas, I don’t come overly qualified for anything in particular. I have a… dynamic resume; let’s put it that way. I’ve had a variety of different jobs that seemingly have nothing to do with each other, and yet, have a lot of transferability.

I went to a career fair a week ago and the employers then made it clear to me that it was an employee’s labour market in Calgary (no surprise there.) It seems no one is able to get the people they need in this town. Everyone is hiring! And new businesses are almost desperate, which proves fortunate for anyone looking for work.

So I’ve got a job, we’ve got a place to live, and things are coming together rather quickly. I must say, after a year of ship life, I’m actually grateful to be able to cook, clean and be back under Canadian Labour laws. Unfortunately, I didn’t get much of a holiday after 6months of non-stop work, so a trip to Europe is in order for the fall. Ohh, how sad for me… (I’m kidding, that’s sarcasm.)

There is always bumps and grinds when planting my feet on solid ground again, but this one is coming along a lot smoother than anticipated. I have a lot to be grateful for, and I’m determined to not forget that.

God, it’s good to be home.

Awareness to Down There-ness

2011-04-11T10:43:00.000+10:00

In the process of re-developing a normal life, I’ve decided I need to get involved in the community and I’m doing it the way I’ve always known best – Sport.

With the Underwear Affair 10k run fast approaching, I’ve signed myself up and started training. If you haven’t heard of this run, check out its website. It’s another of a million cancer fundraising events and I chose it because of my mother’s recent battle with the disease.

I have a goal of raising at least $500, and need all the support I can get. If you can afford to donate twenty – great! But really I’m just looking for a bunch of 5 and 10 dollar donations.

Just CLICK HERE and it will take you to the donation page.

Thanks again for the support – I promise lots of hugs and kisses to everyone who donates!

xoxo

I'm "Inbetween" Jobs

2011-04-10T05:47:00.001+10:00

Ah - job hunting. Never has there been a task so full of desperation, rejection and disappointment. While I'm sure there are folks out there who can fire off one or two resumes and manage to get an interview and a job within a few days, I'm not one of them.

I've used a number of strategies this time round that seem to be working quite well for me (meaning, yes, I have interviews, hooray!).

1. It's a numbers game - the more applications you send and people you meet, then, quite obviously, you will manage to land more interviews. As this is quite time consuming, prioritizing applications you plan to spend a lot of time on, and ones you just want to fire off without much more than a spell check, is important. If nothing else, writing, writing and re-writing all those applications could always land you a job as cover letter writer… for other unemployed people… who can only pay you in dandelions and G.I. Joe figurines they’ve kept since they were kids…

2. Do your research – while some say this isn’t important until you actually land an interview, I say otherwise. Being able to entice the HR Manager by showing you have more than a little knowledge on the industry and their company is a great way to have them put you in the “contact” pile. Again, time consuming, so pick and choose which jobs you think will actually care that you went out of your way to learn more and which ones will think you are a little too keen (i.e., the supervisor at Burger Barn probably doesn’t even know that the company has invested $2.5million dollars in research to determine why everyone who eats their onion rings has flatulence that smells of dryer lint.)

3. Don’t limit yourself – why just apply for one industry? With the market the way it is (Canada isn’t as bad as other places, but still), it’s not as though there is a ton of jobs to choose from in any one industry. And who knows, the industry you are looking in could have 30 other people sitting online desperately applying for all the same jobs you are. More than likely your past career options have supplied you with transferable skills to other job fields. Hunt through some of your recent work experiences for tasks and skills that are commonly seen in other jobs and display those prominently on your cover letter and resume, even if this means using some extracurricular or volunteer experiences you have (why not? It’s still experience). I mean, if you’ve been a plumber your entire life, acting might be a bit out of your league, but try modeling for one of those Coppertone Sunscreen ads!

4. Put your pride aside – while setting standards and salary ranges is important, when you’re living off your savings, having some income is better than no income. Applying for little odd jobs that won’t really pay the bills, or aren’t really what you are looking for, come in handy, especially if you end up unemployed for some time; you’ll be thankful you can still say you work for a company when you need to apply for a rental apartment, cell phone, etc. Not to mention, it fills in blank spots on your resume that employers generally don’t like to see? “So, what were you doing all of summer 2010?” “Oh, you know, just the same old, same old. Researching Burger Barn and starting my G.I. Joe collection.”

Graduation Celebration Frustration

2011-04-07T16:58:00.000+10:00

High school graduation in North America had become one of the most ridiculous events to ponder. I am completely in support of celebrating the youth’s achievements, but for more reasons than simply being disgusted by some wealthy parents buying thousand dollar gowns with gifts of rhinoplasty, breast augmentation and the newest BMW, I have come to see this annual, cultural milestone a spectacle hiding what concludes as utter disappointment (I.e., how far can a high school diploma really get you now adays?).

The nearly-twenty age group becomes the unwilling worm hole for all advice from whoever deems themselves learned enough to provide it. While best intentions are always in place, it gets frustrating to watch elders pass on information that seems to be developed from cynicism and fear, rather than hope and optimistic practicality.

I have exclaimed my frustration with ideas of being able to control your future before, and as I described then, it’s not to say that I don’t believe we have great influence in our lives, it just seems idealistic to believe that with so many variables in the world we actually have control over where our lives will ultimately lead.

So why then, do we endless push and nag teenagers to pick their life path? Why can’t they just study something in school that they are going to enjoy learning about regardless of their career path? Most likely they’ll change their minds 8 times or more anyway…

Are you doing exactly what you imagined you would be when you graduated high school? Or even on the same career path?

Quitting Doesn't Make Me A Criminal

2011-04-03T12:27:00.000+10:00

I have a new view of what it means to be free when you are in America.

As my previous post depicts, when disembarking a ship "own will" (quitting and not finishing your contract), the American border patrol gets a bit paranoid and decides that everyone wants to live in the states and would try to sneak off and live there rather than take your flight home. Even Canadians apparently. Therefore, we get safeguarded to the airport and only given our passports once we step foot onto the plane.

Here's the brief version of the appalling situation that took place when me, an Italian waiter named Fabio, and a Romanian room stewardess named Georgetta disembarked the ship own will on Saturday, March 26, 2011 at approximately 11am.

We met our safeguards just off of the ships gangway with all our gear; I'd managed to postpone saying goodbye to David until the last possible minute so he was still with me at this time. The four of us were making silly jokes, like "Quick, RUN!", in an effort to mock how ridiculous we thought this whole procedure was. Needless to say, we weren't going to run, we were completely willing to abide by all policy and not cause any problems or stress on anyone.

Eventually the three of us get separated from the rest of the disembarking crew and we were pulled into a side room. There was a customs agent sitting behind the table; his immediate demeanor was aggressive and short tempered, but he put on that condescending, seemingly friendly tone every time he spoke to us. Fabio tried to speak to him in Spanish because it sounded like he had an accident (and so many people in Miami DO speak Spanish). He didn't like this so much. He seemed a bit aggravated by it. He told our safeguards to get away, so they went and stood at the corner of the room.

As requested, Fabio pulled his luggage up onto the table in front of the officer, and when the officer asked him to open it, he replied "The key is in my pocket, do you want me to open it, or you?"

Out of nowhere, the CBP officer ripped Fabio's hat off and threw it against the wall, then through Fabio against the wall and began to slap his hands up and down his body like he was searching him. He forcefully moved his hands in positions on the wall, then began kicking his feet apart, and then just kicking him seemingly without purpose, all while yelling "I've had enough of this shit! Get against the wall!" He never once told Fabio to put his hands on the wall, or spread his feet apart. He never once used verbal demands. He just violently forced him into a position.

Now, whether he thought Fabio was speaking Spanish again, or didn't understand him at all because of his accent and got mad that he was reaching in his pocket, I don't know - but no matter what, his response was outlandish, aggressive, and completely inappropriate.

I got scared. How was he going to treat me? How could I let him treat Fabio this way? He's still kicking him! So I opened my big mouth "You can't kick him!" I said shocked, "That is so inappropriate - I'm going to get help!" and made my way towards the door. I made it five or six steps before he started yelling "Hey! Stop!" which I did. Then I had 3 or 4 other guards on me who handcuffed me and dragged me back to my seat where they handcuffed me and Fabio to the bench.

They knew I wasn't going to run away. They knew Fabio wasn't causing any problems. But they sure did lie to our bosses on the ship. They came in and glared at us. My safeguard told me later that the officer told everyone we were swearing, and calling them names, and threatening them. None of which is true. His way of making his actions appear justified. Asshole.

We sat there handcuffed to the bench for a good 20-30minutes, and during this time, when our bosses from the ship did come in, I tried to take the opportunity to explain it all to them, but unfortunately another officer came in started screaming at me to shut up. When I told him he couldn't tell me to shut up (which apparently isn't true...) he told me I'd be going to the airport with him in handcuffs and stormed out of the room in a huff!

They were behaving like we were these disgusting criminals - not a couple of crew members that wanted to go home.

Another Customs lady who'd I'd worked with on the ship came in and started tearing a strip off me; she was attacking me like the things I'd done had been so disrespectful. This is when I realized everyone was against me. There was no way I was going to win this battle fighting, so I put on some fake tears, said my apologies and sat there boiling inside while this bitch who knew nothing about what happened other than the lies she'd been told kept screaming at me and telling me I'd be lucky if I ever got let into the states again.

Poor Georgetta sat in the corner crying the whole time because she was so scared. A nice, calm officer came over and took my cuffs off and whispered in my ear "just play the game. keep your mouth shut and play the game." , but not after they went through every piece of my luggage while I sat meters away unable to watch them do it. I asked if a woman could check my bag because of my personal effects. They said I wasn't allowed to ask for that. They laid everything out on the table for the whole room to see. No, that's no embarrassing. Not while I sit there handcuffed to bench for having gone to get help for my friend who was being abused by an arrogant, power tripping officer.

I spoke to Georgetta and my female safeguard after the incident when we were alone, and both of them told me that the CBP officer was way out of line and we didn't deserve any of that. Not that I need confirmation, but there at least lies proof that other people were scared too. That other people witnessed it and knew he was simply looking to treat us like criminals for no reason.

I was traumatized for days. It was all I could think about when my mind went quite. These officers, meant to protect, being so corrupt.

I've changed my view on how safe and free America is. And lost even more respect for the nation.

I know the safeguards were just doing their job, but after all that crap, they had to follow me around and do pretty much everything for me when it came to checking in at the airport and following me to the bathroom. I really did feel like a criminal.

When I landed in Montreal, I nearly cried just out of gratitude for being back on Canadian soil.

Incompetent Fools

2011-03-25T10:37:00.000+10:00

I’ll make this story fairly short and skip the implicit details.

I had a meeting with the HR manager a couple weeks ago (procedure, of course) about why I’m quitting and leaving the company. It felt like an argument more than anything in regards to my reasoning behind my decisions. Like he just wouldn’t understand that I think this company is full of incompetent fools.

He then went on to explain to me the procedure of leaving and I made sure to clarify with him (before booking my plane ticket home) that I wasn’t going to have any problems with customs and border patrol or ship contracts in staying for a few days in Miami before flying out (simply because the tickets were so much less expensive mid week). Yes, yes, everything is fine, he says.

Turns out it’s not so fine. Turns out that as policy states for me quitting and deciding not to complete my contract I’m obligated to fly out the same day and be safeguarded (in other words, taken by a customs agent to the airport to make sure I get on my plane).

But of course, I only learn this after I’ve spent hundreds on my flight and accommodations in Miami.

So NOW, I not only have to endure the costs of the flight I’ve already spent money on (which I agreed to as a consequence of leaving before the end of my contact), but another flight that the company has purchased for me because I’m required to leave that very same day.

Nowhere in my contract does it state this. Nowhere in my contract does it imply I need to fly out the same day that I disembark the ship. An advocate for company policy, who said I had to get the information verbally from him and nowhere else, whose responsibility it is to inform crew of this information and be up to date on Customs and Border Patrol policy, told me I was allowed to fly out of America 3 days later because I’m a Canadian citizen.

I think the company is now liable for those costs. Do you agree?

It's Cheap Ship Week

2011-03-19T05:44:00.000+10:00

Over the past decade or more, cruises have become a lot less expensive. In fact, at the point it is now, it is more affordable for a retired couple to cruise all year long than pay to stay in a retirement home. I’m not one to say that social class has an effect on who people are as individuals and I definitely don’t think financial success determines the amount of respect one should garner, however, it speaks volumes for behavior when in an environment where “spoiling” yourself is a norm.

As crew, when people come on holiday, we observe them as individuals prepared to lather themselves in luxury. Now, cruises appear to be all inclusive, but they are not. You pay one price, you get a cabin and food. If you have a few more cruises under your belt, you might get a few more benefits such as laundry and internet time, but for the most part you can guarantee the amount you paid for a cruise is only about half (minimum) of what you can expect to spend in total. I’m not evening talk shopping and tours, I mean basics. Beverages (alcoholic or non-alcoholic), the odd latte, tipping your room steward and waiter, bottles of water for going ashore, internet time. No matter what angle you look at it from, if you come cruising for a holiday, you’re putting out a pretty penny.

Now, when prices for cruises were high, companies still chose to nickel and dime everyone. All the same charges applied. But the people were different. The prices determined that they were people who could very much afford to be on holiday. People who don’t live paycheck to paycheck, or who have at least saved frugally so they could spend it all on their holiday, prepared for the extra expenses.

What we have now is people who can barely afford the cruise. They come on unknowing of the costs required. They get stressed about money. They get angry at the company for charging on such silly like things such as orange juice. They see workers as part of the company and (while not mindfully, but emotionally) hold them responsible for the company’s lack of initiative to provide extras at no cost. And believe me, this is the fastest way to make a crew member give you the bare minimum in service. The next thing you know, they’re stressed, they dislike the company, and they think the employees are useless and unpleasant. Sounds like a horrible vacation to me, too. Not to mention, that with the decrease in cruise charges, the quality of everything has begun to erode (food, entertainment and staff budgets to name a few areas).

So, yes, I blame the cruise line. No, I don’t think people who are less financially fortunate are more rude or disrespectful. Yes, I do believe that people who can’t really afford to cruise should have the pleasure of what could be a fantastic holiday on board the vessel.

All I’m saying, is that come that first formal night, when I look around the ship and see that over half of the passengers are dressed in dark denim blue jeans, or a skirt so short the only thing you can look at is the cellulite shaking, I know there was a big sale on this cruise, the complaints are soon going to come flying in the door, the scores are going to be low, and it’s going to be a rough week for me and the rest of the gang.

Guess What?

2011-03-18T00:51:00.000+10:00

Guess What?

I’m done.

That’s right. I’m coming back to Canada! (For a little while, at least.)

I remember when I first joined ships I’d met this one comedian, and watched his show on the Star Princess and how the Deputy hosted the show (i.e., Introductions and endings.) This was at a time when the thought of hosting Trivia made me nervous and just holding a microphone made my hand shake. I’ve done public speaking since I was a child, but it’s a whole different ball game when you are getting paid to host something and the audience expects you to be a professional. Not nervous. Completely confident. Entertaining! Well, just over a year later, I actually got to get on stage and host this same comedian’s show. A crowd of about 400 (small compared to normal) and after a professional performer (who I know quite well after working with him for just over a year), and I walked on stage completely calm, not a sight of nerves, and then walked off like nothing even happened.

Now that’s what I call achievement.

While, yes, I found this last year overly frustrating for having a job where I get paid to play games and host parties, and by-golly, I’m ready for a change (not to mention, could spend hours bitching about the mismanagement), I look back now and realize it really was another point in my life where I really was meant to be where I was.

I still don’t know where all these random skills and assets that I’ve picked up along the way will take me, but it’s beginning to look like something really fun and exciting.

Here I go, beginning another chapter in my life – and hopefully one that provides more time for writing and blogging as I see fit (God, I’ve missed it!). I’ve got some interesting ones I want to post after I leave the company, so stay tuned to get a gossipy read on life at sea.

Where to next? David and I are going to be enjoying re-connecting with our child inside by spending a few days in Disney World, Orlando; then we are off to the North West to enjoy a ski trip or two; then a 2-3 week cross-USA road trip to have one last little adventure before settling down in North America for what could be a couple years before it’s back to school for me.

So stick around, folks! My aim is to keep you posted every step of the way.

Days Like This...

2011-01-27T05:26:00.001+10:00

I’ve got a sunburn. And am covered in itchy bug bites from the sand fleas in Roatan. But I’ve got a Tecate in my hand and real Mexican tacos on the way. My honey is happy because for the first time this contract it’s actually windy enough on one of these islands for him to launch his kite and go kiteboarding. The 80’s rock playing in the background doesn’t make this feel so authentically Mexican, but somehow totally suits how I feel. I see yoga in the sand and then falling asleep in a hammock a part of my near future. And let me tell you, the sand is a incredibly soft. The breeze is gentle. And the beer, oh, the beer is heaven.

I’ll admit it, the life on board a cruise ship doesn’t suit me so well. I turn into a negative bi-atch at the first site of a whiney passenger or rude co-worker. Days like this, however, make me stay.

Grateful for Gratitude

2010-08-30T06:46:00.000+10:00

I think it’s impossible to not miss the cruise ship life, even if it’s just a little. It doesn’t just sound cool to be travelling from city to city everyday for 6 months getting to see half the world, it actually is exciting. Well, there is a point where it just feels like everyday life, but it’s still easy to get excited about walking along Cococabana beach in Rio de Janeiro, the steep alleyways in Vigo, through the historic streets of Gamla Stan in Stockholm, or down Nevsky Prospekt in St. Petersburg. Every port that you haven’t been to before was like a new present at Christmas time!

And it’s hard not to miss the people (mostly the crew, but some passengers as well), even with the corresponding negativity that comes from being around them. I just found the environment so infectiously pessimistic, that before I knew it, I was a key part in the depressing side of my own adventure, completely unable to just be grateful; all those years of people telling me I had such a positive energy thrown away in a matter of months. The hardest part in the end was dealing with how disappointed I was in myself for not being stronger and for having been naïve enough to believe that optimism is something which requires no effort to maintain.

I see why everyone says it is addictive - you cannot help but want to go back and try again. Hindsight leaves me wondering if knowing what to expect will better prepare me for the internal challenge of fighting negative ship life. But then, I just imagine myself having to dress up for 70’s night one more time and it makes me want to hurl a little. Sometimes I think sitting through another 2 hour session of ceramics might make me tear my hair out. And if I have to teach one more person how to use an elevator, or explain that the stairwell goes up AND down, I may strangle someone.

In conclusion, being back in Canada (where people really ARE nicer; it’s not just a humourous myth) has made it easier to view the entire experience as a positive one, and as always, reflect on the difficult parts to find life lessons in them – and most prominently this time: Gratitude does take effort.

The Non- Plan: Phase 1

2010-08-29T16:05:00.001+10:00

I’m flattered by the number of people who have been telling me how much they miss reading my blogs and asking why I’ve stopped writing. I think most would excuse it to lack of time or just plain indolence, but the truth for me is that I just haven’t felt so inclined. I’ve really been enjoying life and the single precious seconds within it – or at least, attempting to.

Right now life feels… enjoyable… and satisfying… and really exciting. I feel very present in every moment.

I’m doing the opposite of what my high school guidance counselor advised and attempting to make as few plans and timelines for my life as possible.

I want to live simply and, still, in the most fulfilling and giving way feasible.

I will continue to try and act as selflessly as possible, while being true to who I am.

I know very little of what my life will look like in years to come, and personally, I’m fighting hard to keep that view of the future a clean slate.

I have ideas, as I always have.

I imagine I’ll attend med school at some point in time.

Marriage and children will come up eventually.

Here is what I’ve learned about how I enjoy my life: Planning… makes me miserable.

All I know right now is I want to be here, in Canada to take care of my Mom, and on September 16th, I’m hopping on a plane to England to join the love of my life where we will ride ponies and go for walks and enjoy whatever shape this part of our life together will take.

That sounds like a pretty good… err… um, non-plan (???)… to me!

Park Life

2010-05-07T20:28:00.000+10:00

It’s been a long time since I’ve found myself soul-searching on the topic of my self-confidence. For some time now I’ve ignored any criticism or suggestions that it might not be at the high level I’ve come to believe it to be – mostly because I just didn’t care. Since my journey in Africa, the satisfaction that came from accepting a human inability to ever really be 100% secure in themselves and their abilities (at least with any form of sincerity) left me uninterested in dividing and conquering any issues that played games with my self-worth and efficacy.

Ship life has tweaked that perspective.

Due to my easily influenced nature, this world around me has left me fighting with myself while completely unaware of any internal battle – until today, that is. Sitting in a café on some random, unidentified alleyway in Vigo, with a latte and a cold breeze, removed from the consistency of crew life and ship culture, I saw my fear. More so, objectified it. I’m still fighting that pressure to be perfect, that pressure to be something I’m not. That same pressure I thought I’d thrown away over a year ago when I was sitting roadside waiting for a tro-tro in Ghana. I suppose it snuck up on me in this intensified version of the world and hyped up North American tourism. Social fear, hasn’t haunted me since high school, has become such a fluid part of my day that I wasn’t even aware it was there (let alone aware of the brakes it had on my self-confidence).

So, once more, I’m letting it all go. Saying good bye to the eagerness of perfection, the influence of societies “rights and wrongs” and sayonara to the doubts that who I am might not be good enough for this world.

This job is providing unexpected challenges, and don’t think for a moment I’m not grateful for them. It’s an experience I imagined and yet one I could not have even dreamt. I want to write more about the sights, sounds and smells that conglomerate to form the life I’m living and attempt to make the experience relatable, but honestly, I’m just not all that interested in recording it while I’m living it. Maybe when I’m through this section of the journey I’ll feel more inclined to map it out with words.

Baptism by Fire

2010-03-16T23:53:00.000+10:00

I feel the captain put it best during our brief conversation in the conservatory the other morning: I’ve been “baptised with fire.”

Adjusting to a new job is understandably overwhelming on occasion; adapting to a whole new set of friends and lifestyle simultaneously creates more reasons for stress; porting in country that just had the fifth strongest earthquake in the world is more than just a little drama.

I wish I could describe to you in better articulation what the chaotic scenario on the ship was, but I’ll give you the general details and you can imagine the tune yourself.

Essentially, we were information-less for quite a long time. Passengers were questioning if there was even going to be a pier for us to port in when arriving in Valparaiso. The day after the earthquake, we learned of the airports 72 hour closure. This is slightly more than inconvenient as we were expected to have a nearly 2600 passenger turn-around in that port. (Questions one might ask are: How are the old passengers supposed to leave the country? How are the new one’s supposed to get into the country? If Santiago is still having aftershocks, can we expect more tsunamis? After the airport reopens, how long will it take for people to get a flight out?)

The situation ended with us porting in Valparaiso for an extended 2 days, leaving over half our previous cruise passengers to fend for themselves in Chile, and taking some of them along with us back to Buenos Aires to catch a flight out of there, and then embarking less than a quarter of our new passengers. Not to make the situation any stickier, but computer glitches and inability to stay along the pier (or even tender into it) for the two days in Valparaiso left us asking for far too much patience from our passengers. This easily equated to a rapid disaster of complaints, cynicism and a thoroughfare of negative energy that even had me swallowing cuss words. Nasty. Just Nasty.

Of course, now in the calm of the storm, we have a half full ship and a ton of sea days to be bored with (we had to cut out ports days to make it to our next turn-around city on time making up for our extended stay in Chile), and I developed a lovely, optimistic hindsight that will carry with me for the next 6 months: “Happiness is suffering backwards.” That’s a quote from a book my friend Mary told me about. The correlation is nothing more than the fact that everything after these first few cruises is going to look like “smooth sailing” (so tacky, I know.)

As a miniature update from last post, I’ve learned passengers and those with shorter contracts will keep me sane. Their ability to see beyond what is going on at sea makes it easier to stay grounded and aware of how easily one can get sucked into the surreal life aboard. My thirst for conversations from those of the outside world grows daily… if internet was faster and less patience tasking I would reunite with my roots from University as a Facebook addict. Alas, no complaints – I still can’t imagine anywhere else in the world I’d rather be right now than on this ship, meeting amazing people from all over the world and expanding my outlook.

I’m so grateful for my life (… and the continuous reminders.)

Sur"real" Adventures

2010-03-03T12:39:00.000+10:00

This world feels nothing close to real. That’s my ultimate conclusion after one full cruise on the ship. Granted, this one was nothing similar to other cruises, but all the same, the ship life is… superficial.

If life were analogized to being a blot of paint spread so thin that it was hard to decipher its original colour, ship life would be that blot of paint before it’s spread. Everything social and personal is more intense and inflated than the “real” world. It’s so easy (for me at least) to pin point all these contrived social habits and societal issues aboard than it is back home. It’s essentially, life, but more dense. The same mass, but in a smaller package.

For example, beyond the fact that it’s such a diverse international culture on the ship that we must mingle with, crew can be whoever they want to be. You can say whatever you want about yourself. Pretend you are whoever you want to be. No one is the wiser. It’s a shame these people don’t realize how blatantly their insecurities are being portrayed through their behaviours.

Add that to that the lack of commitment to the job and relationships, and we are left with simply acquaintances. Very little ties us together except for the lifestyle we’ve chosen, and even that takes many paths. You spend a lot of time with the people around you for a short period. It’s hard to build trust in those premises sometimes – especially when it’s so … surreal.

While the lack of genuine culture leaves me feeling less than satisfied with one-on-one interactions, it is providing me with a new outlet in learning to take life a lot less seriously. It’s pointless to over think what’s going on around you when it’s obvious it’s all for show – for image. And I have met a few individuals who I’m fortunate enough to bond very well with… too bad their contracts end next week.

My life has become a strange mix of high school, a college frat house, and a reality TV show similar to Big Brother (complete with major natural disasters and weekly safety drills).

The amount of excitement I’ve packed in during the last 14 days would easily suffice the average North American individual for a whole year. Getting caught in earthquakes, tsunamis, and chaotic disembarks with no boarding passengers due to airports turning to rubble, plus the simpler drama of boys and men (more so boys who think they are men), and the added learning curve of a new job in the entertainment industry, leaves one feeling… exhausted.

Time for a good night’s sleep – after I finish prepping my games for the passengers tomorrow.

As Erika pointed out – “how crazy is [my] life?!”

Choices and Sacrifices

2010-02-07T10:44:00.003+10:00

I’ve been wrestling for months trying to find a way to articulate these revolving thoughts, but I’m tired of trying to pin them down. I’m presenting them as unfinished business, as open dialogue. Maybe, through another’s insight, I’ll be able to conduct more enlightenment.

We live in an outcome based society, forever focusing on what we can achieve, where we can end up, and the predicted end result. The so-called “Now Generation” is incapable of living in the moment - living now - when constantly focusing on our perception of our future. We make life about control, reducing it to an equation as placid as ‘A + B = C’, where ‘A’ and ‘B’ represent choices and sacrifices, and ‘C’ represents the product of our actions. I’m not denying the knowledge of “every action has a reaction” as truth, but more simply the fact that this equation is missing a number of variables. Otherwise put, life isn’t quite that black and white.

In speculation, I would first like to point out that this A, B, C equation is nothing more than what I’ve concluded from a lifetime of observations on how people attempt to create their lives. People are [generally] aware that their behaviors have results which form their scenarios and they choose their behaviors [often] on how they want the results to look. Now, this is what I wish to appeal – the outcome based decision making.

Believe me, I understand how ludicrous that last line must sound without explanation – doesn’t it just make sense to organize your decisions based on what you want to see in your life? Isn’t it obvious that one would want to pursue a goal (C) and make a plan (A and B) in order to achieve that goal? Isn’t that what we’ve been taught our entire lives? I know I have. I didn’t skip the C.A.P.P classes that taught me about S.M.A.R.T. goal setting and I was definitely surrounded by those posters with the motivational encouragement telling me I could do anything I desired with just a little more practice… just get a little more control over my life.

But I’m going to take a stab at bursting your well-designed and nearly bullet proof North American bubble that has encompassed you and the “pro” goal-setting mindset.

See, I believe the most important realization is not that our actions have outcomes, but that ALL actions have outcomes. Meaning, the equation isn’t so simply ‘A + B = C’, but a little more like this:

While I realize the female side of me seems to enjoy making everything way more complicated than it is, this is not what I’m doing by presenting this formula (nor is this meant to represent anything other than a confusing equation with multiple variables NOT to be taken literally). I believe a lot of things in life come with simple answers; what I’m trying to point out here is the idea that with so many interactions and variables constantly streaming through our lives, how do we continue to blame or congratulate our measly actions when the results begin to unfold? Half the time, we aren’t even aware the results have started unfolding!

Yadda, yadda, yadda, I could argue forever on the topic of understanding how little control we have over our lives and the world around us, but I’ve learned that only those who are realizing it for themselves can really comprehend the words. Others who are stuck in the idealism that they are the ultimate producers of their future just hear white noise and argue with a defensiveness of no rational other than socially fed mental pollution. Bold of me, no?

To tear apart the placid, black and white analogy of decision making further, we must not deny that actions have multiple reactions; I’ll frame them as rewards and consequences. In my moral relativistic nature, no matter how ‘A’ and ‘B’ are made up, there will always be rewards and consequences – the equations must balance (duh, that’s why they “equate”). We can’t have excess amounts of positive on one side, without negative on the other side to balance it out, but that is childhood learning (despite that we try to deny it as such). In realizing that we aren’t the only ones adding to the equation on either end, we must also realize that our outcomes not only affect other peoples’, but that ours’ are greatly affected by others as well.

Let us pretend I won my battle in proving we don’t and can’t have complete control over our lives: I’ve been given lots of great advice over the years, one of my favourites being from my best friend – “We don’t determine the outcome, but simply guide it.” I love that one because it allows me to hand over the frustration and disappointment while reminiscing in the self-manufactured achievement… or does it? Trust me, I’m in no way denying this as amazing advice, I’m just digesting it a little more thoroughly these days.

Here is what I’m proposing – what if we stopped worrying about ‘C’ altogether? And no, I’m not advising making wild, volatile, care-free and spontaneous decisions at any given moment (I would never even idealize that as sustainable.)

Here is what I’m trying to do at least.

I want to take ‘A’ and ‘B’. My sacrifices and my choices…

And I want to focus on those…

I want to make my decisions and my behaviours representative of who I am, what my values are and of my beliefs…

Without fear of an unwanted outcome. Without gambling on a “sure thing.”

Because if I do that… if I’m continually trying to be honest with myself and the situations I am in… and I formulate my little and possibly (in)significant impact based on my solid virtues…

… won’t the outcomes be balanced to equate that as well?

… won’t it all even out?

… won’t my outcomes be as genuine as my behaviours?

To have an open discussion with me on this topic would undoubtedly end up on my theories of people trying to predict their future through any means possible – science, astrology, psychology, religion… even relationships - but I’ll save those thoughts for another overtly lengthy blog post.

This whole topic of thought trailed from journaling about how manipulative I feel our society has become. So rarely do I meet people who simply do something because that’s what they feel now, rather it’s people (myself often included) who conduct their behaviours to facilitate an outcome, especially in person to person interactions. And isn’t that manipulation? Isn’t that… a different form of deception? Isn’t that… not real?

I value real.

“Here is to the inestimable freedom of owning nothing other than our choices.”

A new meaning to Social Work

2010-01-20T02:02:00.000+10:00

Since I was old enough to make my own social arrangements, my mother has been telling me I need to cut down on my “going out”. I’ll admit, it’s extreme. I love people. All kinds of people. And like everyone else on this planet, there are those that will rub me the wrong way or that I find to be just plain mean, but for the most part, I truly just enjoy other people’s company.

But my mother has a point – this outrageous social life of mine can get in the way of finding a good work/ play balance. I find my finances get prioritized to meet my social needs which will often leave me shorthanded. Or I very simply just don’t manage my time to a level that can accommodate my day to day responsibilities while satisfying my thirst to mix and mingle.

Now, do not misinterpret this. I love my alone time, also. I desire it every bit as much as I crave to be social. I’ll personify it to breathing – my alone time, is a deep breath in. It keeps me from going mental. And from my observation, my alone time is quite a bit more intense than most others’. For instance, some people enjoy reading, watching TV, going for a run, listening to music, or zoning out on Facebook when they need their space to themselves. I, however, am actually alone with myself (as alone as the universe can really let me be.) By this I mean I’m not only without the presence of people, but without entertainment and distraction as well. Without the need to be doing something or having purpose in the moment beyond being with my own thoughts. While I know there is a great number of individuals out there who also do the same and enjoy reflection while they are among no one but their own consciousness, it isn’t common. It isn’t “the norm.”

I digress. This heavily weighing, uneasily satiated desire to interact and commune with other people at all levels needs to be rethought. Now, I could try and force it to go away. Simply restrict myself, tell myself ‘No’, and live with that constant pressure that could develop more and more volatility each day… or… I accept this as a characteristic of me, as neither a strength or a weakness, but simply, a large part of my identity.

First step in this process of accepting? Finding a job that accommodates it. Better yet, a job that encourages it, facilitates it and rewards for it.

My name tag will now proudly read:

Miranda – Junior Assistant Cruise Director – Princess Cruises.

Essentially, my job is to socialize with guests, plan parties, socialize with guests, emcee events, socialize with guests, attend parties, socialize with guests, make friends… did I mention I’m getting paid to socialize with guests?

So for those of you who don’t already know, come February 17th, I’ll be in Argentina, Uruguay, Chile, Brazil, Virgin Islands, Barbados, Antigua & Barmuda, Florida, and Bahamas; Add the Azores Islands, Portugal, Spain, England, France, Belgium, and the Netherlands; I’ll circle through Norway, Denmark, Sweden, Finland, St. Petersburg, Poland & Germany a few times, then end with some holiday time in Austria, Croatia, Italy, Greece & more UK – Sounds a little like “Where in world is Miranda Landry?”. Could be a fun game!

I think in total, I’ll be in nearly 30 countries; It’s an amazing itinerary- I could have circled the same 7 day route for 6 months in the Caribbean (talk about Groundhog day). But no, I have the every changing and relocating route of getting see some of the most spectacular places in the world – in a position that couldn’t suite me better if I’d planned it.

It sounds so perfect you’d think I was making it all up – it is still surreal to me. If I put it in perspective, I realize a job that requires this much social interaction and being away from home for 6 months might not suit many people, but it really is EXACTLY me right now.

I’m hoping to start publishing articles (specific to my cruise line adventures) while I’m away, but I’ll keep posting blogs as well.

Stay tuned!

Simple Lessons

2010-01-06T01:21:00.000+10:00

I'd be lying if I tried to exclaim that 2009 felt like an incredible year for me, but there is an unexplainable gratefulness inside me for all I was put through, for all the difficulties. I will never forget the past year for the unique and stressful struggles that overwhelmed my life, but in hindsight, it's obvious that none of it was in vain. There is not a single moment of strife I am not thankful I endured, because to go without that means to also go without the wisdom that supplies my appreciation for the joy I will discover in 2010.

It's become one of those lessons in life that makes me wish I was a better teacher. Or maybe just better at practicing what I preach. But whatever the case may be, if I could find words so simply put that it could trigger a light bulb inside someone's soul, so they could feel it (because simply recognizing it as truth is not enough to live it), than maybe learning this lesson could have a larger impact than just changing my life. Maybe then, it could have a greater effect on this world. But I feel it's not my words this time, but an old favorite, who can say it with greater simplicity than my complicated female antics are capable.

I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow,
And ne'er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,
When Sorrow walked with me.

-Robert Browning Hamilton

Life with a twist of lime, please.

2009-12-27T14:44:00.000+10:00

Life is crazy.

And apparently that scares us.

So we simplify it. We break it down. Black and white. 1,2,3’s. ABC’s. Make it boring.

And then we complain about how bored we are. How unexciting our lives have become.

I cannot even begin to describe the ways in which one can live their life. So unimaginable. So out there. So far from the norm, the boring, the ABC’s and 123’s. And I don’t mean that there are so many careers to choose from. I don’t even mean so many places to see and people to meet.

There’s twists in life, and when you let them, they take you places. Just don’t be scared

I won’t live a “normal” life. It won’t pattern itself even remotely similar to anyone else’s. It’s one of kind. Both memorable and meaningful. Just you wait and see…

… Faith has some exciting surprises up its sleeve.

Linear Consumption + Exponential Times = ???

2009-12-09T16:00:00.000+10:00

Got some time?

I really want to encourage you to take a minute… to learn something today. Something that just might change the way you live your life. Something that might change the way you think. Take a minute to learn something about YOUR life.

Need me to build your curiosity?

In the last 3 decades ,we’ve destroyed over a 1/3 of our planets natural resources.

Our pillows (yes, where we lie our heads) are soaked in neurotoxins!

Breast milk has the highest number of toxic contaminants than any other food. (As as side note, breast is still best!)

You might think you are getting a sweet deal on your Christmas presents, but the full cost is still being paid. It’s being paid for by the people who are losing their natural resources, the children who dropped out of school to mine the materials, the individuals who are getting cancer from the radiation and toxins they were exposed to making it, and the by the cashiers who gave up their health benefits that the company skimped on. Why? So you can save a few bucks on the toys for Suzy and Timmy.

99% of items consumed in North America are in the trash within 6 months or less.

Planned and Perceived Obsolescence. Just look it up. It’s obvious.

We see more ads in one day than our grandparents 50 years ago saw in a lifetime.

THERE IS INTERVENTION! There is always hope. Always.

Check out the system in crisis.

And then, turn her linear equation into an exponential one, and check this out.

Combine these two realities, and it’s gets a little freaky. In fact, it’s terrifying.

BUT, we can change this. We have all these brilliant minds creating solutions to problems that haven’t even surfaced. All these brilliant minds are recycling. All these brilliant minds, they are pitching in.

Because what they realize is they make a difference. They KNOW that their efforts are huge contribution. They are aware of the impact they are having on their life.

It's idealistic to think we can continue on this linear path while expanding at such an unstoppable rate.

This is now. Let's do something about it.

It's no big deal...

2009-12-02T16:10:00.000+10:00

... It's just the future of Humanity.

http://www.girleff ect.org/video

An afterword...

2009-11-30T19:08:00.000+10:00

"At some point, we need to accept the boundaries of our control and see the brick walls for what they are."

The brick wall wasn't meant to represent any given challenge or obstacle in our lives, but more so, the environment and often, the situations we find ourselves in. While our decisions in the now effect where in our environment we will end up, can we really say they change our environment completely? With so many variables, so many other people influencing the world, it's important to realize it isn't just MY world. I am not the only one with impact. I'm not saying I'm power-less, just simply, I'm not in control.

The ant attempting to take down a brick wall wasn't meant to be an analogy on how we face challenges in our lives, but more so, an analogy on how difficult and hopeless it would be to attempt to control all realms of our environment. And I find, that is often what these so-called motivational quotes tend to suggest. Absolute control. And that's just not realistic. No matter how inspiring it may sound.

Imagining Managing

2009-11-26T00:28:00.000+10:00

I’ve developed an impatience for motivational sayings these days. Not all of them, just some in particular (I understand different things motivate all of us, but the ones I’m currently nit-picking at have a common theme of falsehood.)

Take charge of your life!

Make your own opportunities!

YOU control your destiny!

If you fail to plan, you are planning to Fail!

I’m sure a lot of you are ready to defend these as I declare lies and deceit. That’s fine. I hope the day that you realize “controlling” your environment is as realistic as “planning” to win the lottery comes sooner than later for you.

I remember living my life abiding my those sayings – Wow, did it ever seem like I had my shit together! Key word here: “seem.” You develop skills at forcing life to go in certain directions, but eventually you have to be honest, and that’s when I’ll admit I spent most of my time convincing myself and those around me that I caused things to happen the way they were happening. How dare I exclaim that something was happening to me and I was simply reacting! Never! Not in Miranda’s World! I’m a driven, motivated and “in-control” person. Go team Type A!

Giggle, snort! Some good that did me.

I’ll break it down. Rather than seeing things rationally, rather than accepting the lack of control we have on this planet, I’d blame myself.

“Well, if that didn’t work out exactly as I planned it, I must have screwed something up! Where did I make the mistake? I must not have put in enough effort…”

Rather than accepting the laws of physics and time and the walls of capability within those realms, I constantly tried to expand them… and blamed myself when I failed.

Spiral, spiral, spiral…. Plop. I think I landed somewhere in the land despair and hopelessness believing I was useless and lazy, ignorant and incapable, weak and without-potential. It’s like an ant trying to tear down a brick wall all on its own. At some point, we need to accept the boundaries of our control and see the brick walls for what they are.

This doesn’t mean there isn’t a million different ways to approach these walls and use them to our benefit, because there is, but that is just chasing those motivational sayings again. In essence, it’s just finding new ways to force life down a certain path (I tried multiple methods of those after climbing out of my spiraling self-esteem pit.)

While I do believe in taking responsibility for our actions and recognizing we have influence and impact on the world around us, that is quite different than setting the expectation to a level of unprecedented control. There is a fine balance between accepting life as it is, and using the now to move us forward. For me, that no longer involves telling myself that I’m controlling my future. I’ve got a say in the direction I’m headed, but it’s so minute. Without exaggerating our power and influence, efforts at success are hardly futile, but faith and trust need to be seen as playing as big a role as our physical actions.

“Trust the universe.” I remember a brilliant and joy-filled woman telling me this one morning over coffee. It falls quite in line with my new ‘go-to’ saying of the year – round pegs go in round holes, square pegs go in square holes; don’t try to force it any other way.

God Is Love

2009-11-02T16:47:00.001+10:00

“God’s presence is best experienced in the sacred space that exists between people when love is offered and received rather than in special buildings and pious places” – Bruxy Cavey, End of Religion.

God is Love.
God IS Love.
God is LOVE.

You can say a million times and still not get it. We can verbally say that God is everywhere that Love is, and maybe some of us can actually imagine it, but for me it’s really hard to grasp.

What if we just took away the whole image of God as this omnipotent “being” sitting up in the sky dictating?
What if we were to say Love dictated this world?
What if Love was what really made decisions in this place?
What if we could actually SEE that the more Love that is put into this world, the more God is in this world, and therefore the more ‘goodness’ is in the world?
Can we see the three things move together?

For me that just creates a whole knew look around my faith. The idea that Jesus is a human representation of what PURE LOVE looks like. A man, who in everyway, every shape, and every form showed, gave and received Love.

Wouldn’t that make MORE sense in some cases?

Like how Jesus is said to live forever in all of us. To believe that every single one of us has a small part of this man inside of us sounds a little like fiction.
But to believe that each and every one of us is completely capable of receiving and offering Love sounds way more believable (yet, still difficult for some to fully comprehend).

So when we were created in God’s image, we were created in an image of Love?
Does that make sense?
Maybe that’s why every one seems to crave it… seek it… revolve around it.
We’re all trying our own ways to be loved (fame, power, sex, money, whatever it is.)
I think there are quite a few people in this world that realized that what they were really after in this world wasn’t any of that stuff. They just want Love. Or as we Christians always put it – if we fill our lives with God, we shall be fulfilled.
Maybe that’s the same as saying if we fill our lives with Love, we shall be fulfilled.

So how do we fill our lives with Love?

I guess we’d have to define Love in order to know how to fill ourselves with it.
We all know how Love feels, but can we all agree that LOVE IS NOT AN EMOTION? Love itself is not a feeling, but love can make you feel a certain way. I guess you could say that when you are “in Love” with a person, that IS a feeling, but it’s not the same as the actual word Love.

Can most of us agree that “Loving” someone and being “in Love” with someone are two different things?

I’m sure lots of people have an argument against my definition of Love, but a really smart man told me this once and I’ve never heard it put better.

Love is Honor.

If you can really, truly honor and respect another person that is showing them Love. Putting their needs above and beyond your own.
Making sacrifices so that the person you Love can be honored and respected.

Now to fill your life with Love, you REALLY have to love everyone. Now I just don’t mean the people you like. That is, for the most part, easy.
I’m talking about being self-sacrificing and respectful to those people you don’t like.

I’m sure by now most of you have this image of turning into a doormat in midst of trying to put a little love into this world. I guess that’s when common sense is supposed to kick in and you realize that saying “yes” to everyone isn’t the same thing as honoring and respecting those around you. Just because some body WANTS something, doesn’t mean it’s the right (or Loving) thing for them. And taking care of yourself doest NOT mean you aren’t being loving to others. In most cases, taking care of yourself is one way of showing honor and respect for others.

I guess that’s my way of saying – In the end, Love rules all. It doesn’t matter how bad you fuck up. If you can make the most loving decision possible (big or small) than you will be fulfilled.

Now it’s just a matter of understanding what the loving decision is, which again, isn’t always easy.

So now we have this God inside all of us, moving between us, being offered and received, being shared, being stored, being horded, being stolen, being given, being drained, being shattered, being built, being upheld, being bombarded…. BEING.

How much more do you treasure Love knowing that it IS God?
How much more important is that word when you say “ I Love you”, knowing you just promised to completely honor and respect that person to Godly standards with three little words.?

And at the same time, how much closer does it bring God to us, knowing that every time you are shown Love, or show Love, it’s God, right there, surviving in the midst of it all between us?
It takes a lot of risk. A lot of faith. To just step up and make the Loving decision when it looks as though you will gain nothing in the end. But you will. Because that’s how heaven works. You give a little, and gain a lot, even if you don’t see it right away.

(This blog is a re-post; I wrote it a couple year ago, but it's so perfect in explaining who God is to me, and in that, a lot about who I am and how I see this world.)

Would you blame the red jacket?

2009-10-30T15:48:00.000+10:00

He was holding his father’s hand. More so, his hand was tightly enclosed in his father’s grip. I’d estimate his age to be around 3 years old. Maybe just a small 4 year old. Wearing such a bright red jacket – geisha red. Calm curiosity is how I would describe his facial expression. Simply observing his surroundings, but not paying an ounce of attention to where his father was taking him, where his feet were stepping. I watched his eyes for a long time, my own calm curiosity infecting my imagination. I wonder what questions he’s asking himself. Slowly trying to articulate the words to pose it to his father. Something common, I assume. Something you and I wouldn’t think to ask. Something that is a huge mystery to him. Wow, his Dad is going to look like such a hero for knowing the answer to this one. And then, BAM.

Calm? Gone. Curiosity? Gone.

All of that is clouded over with fear. Proceeded by, embarrassment with an encore of fear. And then, a dose of pain. Sprinkle with some humiliation and Voila! That’s what happens when you trip, slip and Daddy wasn’t paying attention to react fast enough and keep your tiny hand squeezed in his grip.

Definitely ate a pile of dirt. Definitely going to have some bruises. Definitely needs a really big bear hug from Dad.

After a firm father-son embrace, Dad wipes off his son’s clothes, gives another tight squeeze, and continues walking, this time both paying closer attention.

I love how we learn lessons in life. So many times the hard way. I’m by no means a fan of churning my own butter just to prove it really comes from cows, but at some point, I want to know that some relationships are cause and effect. At some point, I want to know that if I do A, I can then assume that B, C and D will follow. But, you know what I am learning rather quickly in my early twenties? Life is NOT a causal relationship. There often is no order, rhyme or reason.

It’s not as though every time this boy drifts into thoughts of curiosity, he’s going to shortly afterwards experience pain and humiliation for his lack of focus on the now.

But, in a more ambiguous way, we tell ourselves that. The oh-so-logical, “I had ____ experience once, and then ____ happened to me. Surely, it must happen every time.” I know rationally and scientifically we would never state such cases. The sample size is too small; too many dependent variables to count; possibly, the relationship is simply correlated and hardly causal. But, nonetheless, our minds have a temptation to continually create a black and white structure to the patterns that surface.

I, admittedly, have a weak spot for relating my mental and emotional outlooks and attitudes directly on the effects I see in my real life. In layman’s, what I’m saying is, I tend to believe my internal motivations and intentions play a larger role in how opportunities lay out in my life than the actual actions that proceed them. I understand there are many great arguments against this, but none have registered with me quite yet.

I’m trying to use this as an example to pull this “1,2,3/ A,B,C / black and white” mentality that we are all drawn to under a different focus on the microscope.

It seems, that even when our life paths aren’t drawn out and the freedom to pave our own roads is there, we still try and structure it. Find logical reason in why things turn out the way they do.

Curious, isn’t it? I’m tempted to say it’s the fear. Fear of the unknown. Better the evil you know???

This constant desire to understand and foresee the future, starting from a scientific level with hypothesis and highly calculated predictions, to things as belief oriented as astrology and religion, creates a world of questions around why we do what we do.

Are all our actions manipulative? Meant to evoke a response? … I’ll save that tangent for another time.

I digress back to the little boy in the red jacket. We create silly ideas when we are children. Relate things to other things they shouldn’t be related to. Let say he fell again in that same red jacket. A few days later, his mother can’t figure out why her son won’t wear the red jacket anymore. Let’s say his father had gotten mad at him for not focusing on where he was walking when he fell. Would he be mad at himself for asking too many questions? For being curious? What would this child correlate his fall to?

What’s my point? What correlations and “life lessons” are we making about life (everyday) that stop us from wearing our red jacket? That keep us from asking questions about this world? From pursuing love? From making new friends? Forgiving old enemies? Facing an old issue? From eating sushi? What fear of the unknown, and what ridiculous desire to predict the future is keeping us set in our ways and stubborn to the reality that life just isn’t that easily calculated?

Emotional Irrationality

2009-10-26T15:26:00.000+10:00

This is perfect. So mentally prepared, yet it does nothing when the emotions are unraveled.

No one feels sane or rational during heart break.

At least it was worth it. It doesn't matter how bad it hurts now, because there was so much gained through it all. I learned a lot. And I mean, A LOT.

Above all else, I rediscovered and solidified a very important lesson regarding relationships...

... Round pegs go in round holes, square pegs go in square holes. Don't force it. Just let it be.

Just Be

2009-10-24T01:36:00.000+10:00

I really want to tell you about this customer who came into work yesterday. She was… simple; not entirely mentally aware, maybe. She seemed rather cranky actually. Was frustrated that I couldn’t understand what she was asking for.

( I was also frustrated that I had no idea what she was asking for.)

Eventually, I deciphered her request and was able to accommodate it. When I returned from the back of the clinic, she was sitting on the bench in the window reading a paper. I sat down next to her and explained the device and showed her how to properly wear it, and while doing this I attempted some small talk.

“Enjoying your morning so far?”

“Enjoy? What is there to enjoy?” was her retort with a tone of ‘what a ridiculous question!’ to under-set it.

Hmm… not exactly the response I expected. She muttered it a more few times. I think her seemingly disgruntled demeanor prior to my deduction of what she wanted tainted my view of this comment. I assumed, as I’m sure anyone would, that this response was pessimistic; that she was implying there was nothing to enjoy about this morning. I was soon corrected.

“Well, there is always something to enjoy! You just have to look for it,” I exclaimed.

I’m well aware that my optimism sometimes appears as naivety, but this was not one of those cases. This was simply “glass-half-full” mentality.

She repeated herself again, “What is there to enjoy?”

I thought, ‘She obviously isn’t understanding the concept of changing one’s attitude.’ That’s where my true greenness showed itself. So immature to believe that it was she who didn’t understand me.

I left it alone… until we finished up the transaction. Rather than walking out the door, she went back to the bench and started finishing off the paper she’d been reading. I said to her as I passed by, “ I hope you find lots of things to enjoy about the rest of your day,” and started walking into the back.

Again, same response.

I turned around and sat next to her on the bench, and without needing to ask, without initiating that I wanted an explanation, she poured into a passionate, yet inarticulate, justification for her answer.

I wish I could recite it word-for-word, but I doubt it would really hit home with anyone else via paper as it did for me when it came from her lips. Essentially, in my own words, this was her point:

Why are we “looking” for anything? Why can’t we just be? It is what it is – don’t get too excited about it! We think that in certain moments we are supposed to feel something in particular, and if we don’t, it’s not right, it’s weird. But it’s not! It is what it is. Why do we chase being happy? Why do we chase that enjoyment? If there is something to enjoy, then enjoy it! Why are we so consumed with how we feel all the time? Why can’t we just be and if that’s how we feel, that’s how we feel?

Clearly, it was I who needed to take a moment to understand her.

This was actually very similar to a brief conversation I had with my drunk and tired girlfriend outside the bar last Saturday. After I made some comment about how quiet I was compared to normal, she gave a brief rant about “just being.” Why do we have to “be” anything? Can’t we just be as we are? I think that was the first time anyone had ever accused me of that, but I was self-assured (and she agreed) that I never really “try” to be anyway, I’m just very aware and curious of how I am and why I am that way. Does that make sense?

The whole situation with this woman in the clinic today reminded me of this line out a song called “Happiness”, by The Fray.

Happiness is like the old man told me
Look for it, but you’ll never find it all
But let it go, live your life and leave it
Then one day, wake up and she’ll be home

In short, Just be.

Someone Connects

2009-10-15T13:18:00.000+10:00

To you, I’m laying here speaking to an illogical, omnipotent being that you don’t understand. To you, these words are mere pointless ritual simply for self-soothing. To you, this prayer is an oddity. A one-sided conversation. A message that will go undelivered and unanswered.

You think it’s silly.

To me, it a method to connect. To connect with myself. To communicate my gratitude, my passion, my desires, my fears, my Love. These words are not mere ritual, but a full rhythm song of connecting with the world around me… including you. These prayers are not in vain.

A conversation? Yes. One-sided? Potentially. Undelivered? Never. Unanswered? Insulting to suggest it.

Sometimes these prayers are silent and involve no words at all. A moment to be. Just be.

Sometimes they have no rhyme, rhythm or reason. Sometimes they are just words. Sometimes they feel shallow.

Other days it’s deep. Other days, I pour myself into them.

And let’s not confuse prayer with plea. Questions and requests do not create the body of this dialogue.

They are revealing and reflecting. I connect by becoming aware. Aware of what’s really important to me today. What is really on my mind. What concerns me. What makes me call out…

Today, I pray, that someone starts a conversation today. Someone connects.

Emotional Decoys

2009-10-04T08:01:00.000+10:00

Why do we prompt each other to "distract" ourselves during hard times?

Your friend's Grandma dies - the most common advice is "Keep busy. The distractions help."

Help what?

Help make the pain go away?

Help make you heal faster?

It certainly doesn't help you deal with the emotions. Why can't we actually feel the emotion? How come that is never the first piece of advice?

Why do we never say, "Stop. Sit down. Be pensive. Acknowledge what you are going through; feel it; let it out; let it go..."?

This is all paired closely with my view on anti-depressant and alcohol addictions. "Just numb it for a while - it'll eventually go away." No. No. That's quite wrong. It doesn't go away.

Would you put a band-aid over an infected leg wound and expect it to heal on its own without proper cleaning, antibiotics and continual care? No. If you did that, you'd end up having to amputate your leg.

Um...

... Amputating my leg doesn't sound like such a great idea.

I don't need any "distractions", thank you very much!

Candy Pain

2009-10-01T06:51:00.000+10:00

In regards to the previous blog (The Beauty of Suffering)...

... Ouch.

It's never what you expect. Even when you expect it to hurt. Even when everyone is honest, respectful and considerate.

It's a hard hike. It's gonna be long, too.

Ouch.

It's worth it, though. I keep telling myself that.

My mind wants to make it logical; random, obtrusive and untrue thoughts jumping out at me to protect my heart.

We are made for self-defense. Internally and externally.

I'm not defending myself this time. I want to feel it. Be honest. Move on.

And in optimism, I really do feel like I've faced some old, hidden, internal demons of mine. One less peice of baggage to carry with me in the next adventure of love and war.

My massage therapist used to refer to the pain you would get that felt Oh-so-good during a massage as "Candy Pain."

Thats what I'm going to call this. Candy Pain. It hurts... a lot. But the affection and adoration involved feels Oh-so-good.

Oh, so very good.

The Beauty of Suffering

2009-09-22T03:24:00.000+10:00

All I could think of was how glorious this morning turned out to be. The sun weaving between the trees impressing intense heat amidst the cool shade of the forest. The damp ground. The stillness. The silence. It was going to be a long hike. A hard one, but a good one.

The friend I was with, while appreciative of the beauty, saw more struggle in this morning physical push to get up the mountain than I did. There were moments at the half way mark where she would exclaim how she wanted to be done. How she wished for the end to come quicker. Whiney? Not so much a complaint, but unable to see the good, the hope, through the pain, the hurt.

“What choice do we have?” I asked her. Shall we sit down here, stop fighting through it. Not face the pain? Not endure the struggle to achieve and receive the good? Or do we embrace our options and love the choice we make and the road it takes us on? “We can turn around,” I tell her, “or sit here. Or keep hiking up the mountain. Those are our options. Enjoy this. Be in this moment. It’s where we are.”

“It is what we all need – hope that comes not from going around suffering, but from going through it.” –Rob Bell

This quote has always had endless “real life” situations to apply it to. Could be as simple as the physical challenge of hiking up a mountain. Maybe as obvious and difficult as overcoming loss or depression. Sometimes much more hidden. Much more outrageous. Much more ambiguous.

Recently, I’ve found myself in a situation where I’m required to make a choice about struggles and hope. A choice that could cause a lot of pain and difficulty in my life for quite some time if I’m not careful. I’m not an ignorant, innocent victim - I wandered knowingly into this position, but underestimated the strength I would need to pull myself out of it.

A cautious and logical person would give me a good eye roll and tell me in a tone of voice designed to reflect the obviousness of my self-perceived dilemma that choosing the path that doesn’t inflict the hurt and the tears would be best.

I consider myself logical and cautious. I also consider myself strong and intuitive. That logical and cautious decision I should be making doesn’t feel right. In fact, it feels very wrong and very weak. It makes me feel like a coward running away from it.

I know there is nothing wrong with protecting myself. But there is a lot to be gained by making myself vulnerable and taking this risk. More than just the opportunity of an amazing friendship with an amazing individual. And oh, would that be good. The enjoyment of that alone almost makes the pain worth it.

What if I told you that I would be facing a deep issue of mine? What if I told you that making the decision to put myself through this struggle rather than running away from it would be an opportunity to clean up some old war/ love wounds?

Because the way I see it now is that I’m half way up that mountain. Am I just going to sit down and cry about it? Am I going to turn around? Not face the pain? Not learn and grow from it? Accept defeat because I’m weak?

No.

I’m going to enjoy it. Appreciate the rough and ugly, the pain and suffering, as much as I’ll love the pleasureful and the beautiful. Not in denial, not unaware. Open. Honest. Strong.

I can do this.

I’m going through the suffering, not around it.

I’m going to finish this long, hard and glorious hike.

Letting Go

2009-09-02T13:04:00.000+10:00

I’m dreading the idea of blogging lately. Not because I’m writing less, or sharing less. Because I’m losing track of what’s really important to me.

I feel desperate. Despite that I see so much hope and opportunity coming my way, all the challenges surrounding me and my lack of ability to take control of it is leaving me attempting to grasp any and all ideas to pull myself out of this slump.

I’m trying to take control of my life. I thought I’d fought this issue so long ago – again, I guess.
But I don’t really want to take control. I don’t really believe that will work out for me. I’ve tried that before. I know God’s way is much, much better.

It’s not control I want. It’s assurance. It is difficult to live in such uncertainty (regardless of how much I love it.) I love the challenge in my life and appreciate it, but it wears me down just as much as it wears down those who don’t love it. Those who think I’m crazy for loving it.

Guessing what will happen next? Trying to plan? Putting the pressure on myself to always be successful? That sounds like the road to desiring perfection.

… I just want direction.

Now, I’m giving it up again. Not giving up. Just relinquishing the control once more to the only power that actually knows what is going on in this world.

Again, I’m finding freedom in owning nothing. More so, letting go.

After all, none of this is really about me anyway.

Time Well Saved... I mean, Spent.

2009-08-20T16:18:00.000+10:00

It’s not a personal dilemma, and it’s not that I’m consecutively forced to cessation by my lack of funds and opportunity.

But it feels like it.

I know it’s going to end. I know by this time next year I’ll be past it and will hardly remember the difficulty of days like today. I know that this will not last forever.

But it feels like it’s going to.

I know it’s OK to be frustrated. I know it’s OK to struggle. I know I’ll be stronger when I come out of it with my head held high. I know this will not defeat me.

But it feels like it will.

I have tons of support. Those around me are understanding and want to help. I am not alone.

But it feels like it.

Here’s the “issue.” I don’t want to do just anything with my time. While I realize putting money in the bank to survive should be my main concern at this point, I cannot force myself to just do…whatever apathetically! How I spend my time matters to me. It matters a lot!

You know what one of my most detested English sayings is? “Save time”. You can’t save time. How ridiculous is that concept? It’s not as though you can put those minutes and seconds you didn’t spend with your children because you were working into a piggy bank and pull them out to use later. Money cannot save you time. GOD cannot save you time. Time cannot be saved. It can only be spent. Therefore, one must spend it… and wisely. (In a tangent, time is allotted in a communistic fashion. We all get the same amount of hours in a day no matter how much we work for it, and you never really know how much you are going to get in the end.)

This is where my confusion lives. The never-ending arguments between the left and right side of my brain could constitute polar opposite personalities at times like this (I’m surprised I’m even able to be categorized on the Meyers-Briggs test). While I understand it’s not unusual for people to ponder what is a wise use of their time, this is not my concern. My concern is what “wise” means to me.

Success is of little importance. Greatness, I find intriguing. Discovery, is absolute glory!

How I choose to spend my time isn’t about what will make me money, what will limit the consequences of my future, nor what I think will make me “happy.” It’s about faith. I spend my time trying to Love others and enjoy life for everything it’s worth and being grateful for all I have. This can be done while working passionately towards grand adventures and experiences, achieving goals and accomplishing powerful and change-filled tasks! But let me make clear, first and foremost, comes loving others, enjoying life and being grateful. Comprende?

So while it may be a “wise” choice to some individuals to invest in RRSPs, buy a house and get married at an early age, I see that as naïve and conformist. However, living with a little more uncertainty and challenge, while frequently frustrating to myself and multiple persons around me, seems worth the decision to wait for the job I’m meant to have. The job that was made for me. Because whether you believe it or not – I know it’s out there. In fact, it’s probably as frustrated as I am that I haven’t found it yet :-).

Thus, I conclude this thought on how I “feel” about my “issue” with what is “wise” for me and this point in my life with a simple, short and direct quote:

“Eat your problems for breakfast.”

I await the criticism.

Avoiding Home Base

2009-07-19T16:19:00.000+10:00

So you’re standing on first base, foot is tapping, palms are sweaty, crowd is a bit restless. You make eye contact with your buddy who’s up to bat. Quick nod. You know this one is going to be good. He’s gonna knock it out-of-there! Home base for you this round. You feel the adrenaline run up your spin. Glance to second and third, see who is where. So many people showed up for the game tonight, might be your only play. I mean, the point of the game is to get in, right? You want to get to home base as fast and efficiently as possible, right?. The more people in, the better, right? Mom would prefer that you didn’t get your uniform too dirty doing it, too. Get in fast and get in clean. Uninjured. The less blood the better. It’s just a game after all. Buddy kicks his foot up behind him and plants it back down as though to staple it to the dirt. Pitcher winds up, arm locks back, his body pushes everything he’s got forward, all the energy transferring through to his fingertips, into the ball, full force forward... you are totally hitting home base on this… buddy swings and…

But I don’t want to go to home base yet. I know that’s how the game is played. But I still want to be in the game. If I could, I’d add more bases to the game! I want to get sweaty, get tired, get hurt, get bloody! I want the energy to build and die. I want the excitement, the rush. I want to see the crowd get intense. I don’t want the play to stop. I don’t want him to hit it right away. But I do, and I want it to be good, because it feels good, and it’s exciting. And I’m supposed to want him to hit a home run, right? But that’s not good enough for me. I can’t just play the game. Because lets be real here, it’s not really a game I’m talking about anyway. Because once you hit home base, once your turn on the diamond is done, it’s your time to settle down. That’s when the in-laws want kids.

Yep. Kids. Oh, and the mortgage probably came before that. And you’ll want to work on your career, and you need a solid routine to make all that happen. You’ve really got to settle down and get grounded to do it well.

And then, THAT is what you will do for the rest of your energetic life. That is what day in and day out will look like. The kids will be there. The spouse will be there. The job will be there. Of course, this is assuming all goes as you plan.

And I think it’s great! I look forward to the time in my life where I can experience the excitement, challenge, and love of working to spend my life with my husband! I’m ecstatic about the prospect of raising another person, watching and helping them develop into beautiful souls.

But how about I hang out on first base for a while longer. How about I distract the whole play and run around like a maniac in left field. I’ll flirt with the pitcher so he doesn’t throw so quickly. ANYTHING! I’ve got at least another decade, right? I can stall the game for 8-10 years, right?
Ridiculous analogy, I know. But it’s true. Katie’s brilliance in comparing marriage to “home base” today really struck a chord for me. At least, that’s how I look at it. In fact, I think that’s how lots of people look at it. The game isn’t over at that point, you’re just, in essence, not really in “play.” It’s as though there is a safety in saying “I do.” Well, maybe not so much anymore, but most of us are still hopeful. A lot of your decisions have been made, life is “set.” I don’t ever want marriage and family to be a goal or end point in my life. I never want to look at it as home base. Because if that’s the case, I’m never getting married. Never settling down. I’m going to enjoy the play. In fact, I’ll pick a new sport all together. One that doesn’t involve the ump yelling “SAFE” when I slide headfirst over the alter and land that ring on my finger.

Then I look at my fellow 22 year old friends who are getting married and “settling down”. While my congrats and enthusiasm for their happy day is genuine, I still thank the good Lord it’s not me. I plan to spend a large portion of my life married to the same man raising beautiful children. I look forward to those experiences when the time comes. But once I get those, I can’t get back the single years. I can’t reverse the order and experience this time on my own, building friendships and my relationship with God on my own. Once I hit home base, that’s that. That is… commitment. Unless everything goes terribly wrong, that whole marriage experience will be there every day for the rest of my life. But the next ten years? Nuh-uh. Nada. Ix -nay on the arriage-may for quite some time. In fact, ix-nay on the dating, too. It’s just me and my amazing friends from here-on in.

Time to find a new sport. I need something that will make me sweat and bleed a little more than that anyway.

There's more than one way to smell roses...

2009-07-04T12:49:00.001+10:00

A few nights ago I was enjoying dinner with some family, all of whom are more than double my age. While I am sure they would deny it, I think they find the "age" thing more relevant than I do. Midway through our dinner conversation, one family friend was surprised to hear how young I am due to my careful articulation and the topic of conversation I was entertaining. Everyone at the table quickly chimed in to assure me that I should not worry or concern myself with such serious topics at such a young age and should just enjoy my life! With a laugh and eye roll, I chose not to spend any time convincing them that I live essentially stress and worry free and thoroughly appreciate every moment of my life. I instead made a joke about how in effort to take time to smell the roses a bit more, I only work 6 months out of the year - "it's better than early retirement!" I exclaim. Well, then comes the "you have to earn retirement, little lady" and "I worked damn hard to be able to relax now", even "in 30 years, I'll have some empathy, deary." I, again, held my tongue, took a breath, and continued making fun of my current unemployed state.

I felt the need to re-read this short story, as it always encourages me to just enjoy the moments we have now and not seek them in the future.

Enjoy your life now.

The story is told of a businessman walking along the beach one mid morning, talking intensely on his mobile phone. After he finishes his call, he notices a fisherman relaxing by his boat with his young son. He shouts to the fisherman, "why are you not out fishing?"...
He replies " I've already caught enough fish for the day"
"why don't you go catch more fish?"
"then what?" asks the fisherman
"then you can make more money"
"then what?"
"then you can buy more boats, and employ more people and eventually have a large and successful business"
"then what?"
"then you can relax on the beach and enjoy your family"
To this the fisherman replied " what do you think i am doing today?"

Mark 2:27 "then He said to them, 'the sabbath was made to benefit people, and not people to benefit the sabbath."

With age being unequivocal to wisdom and life enjoyment, I take this story to heart. While my comments of half-working years were mere jokes, I still think long sabbaticals are a great idea and more important to life success and happiness than any amount of long work hours and money making endeavors could cause. And we all now how I feel about money...

Fictitious Fiscal Frustrations.

2009-06-29T17:30:00.000+10:00

Humour me for a moment and let us pretend I am somewhat well informed on the Global economic strife at hand.

Despite that I was raised in an environment which only seemed to allow for financial stresses, in the back of my mind I have always thought that money was not real. As a population, we have allotted value in the form of “currency” to objects and services. When I was a child I couldn’t help but ponder how money actually came to be. At this point, I’m tempted to dive into my childhood rendition of how the butcher and baker managed without coins to place value on their services, but I shall spare you the painfully imaginative thought process and fast forward to why I see money as non-existent in our current world state.

Articulating the reasons money is nothing more than a mere numeric value par calculation of supply and demand could seem obvious to some and blatant gibberish to others. However, I will leave it at that. Money is nothing other than a numeric assessment. To even use the words “worth” or “value” seems deceptively incorrect. The “worth” of a service or article varies much like beauty and the eye who desires it. I know lots of people who refuse to pay five dollars for a friggin’ cup of Joe and others who do it daily! Worth is completely subjective. Quantifying qualitative study in an academic setting has never be seen as objective or fair – yet from an economic standpoint it is perfectly sound? Someone explain. Please?

So society has taken this qualitative numeric assessment tool, manipulated it over centuries to become a seemingly concrete form of “worth measurement” and then used it to establish entire economies and social standards. I am beginning to see why there is a lack of confusion by the fall of this American empire.

Then we take in the fractional reserve system – who ever thought loaning out imaginary money was a good idea? (For those of you who have not heard of this, please investigate. It is absurd to the point of hilarity.)

And “The Federal Bank of America” – I am admittedly naïve and uneducated, but it is going to take a very long and in depth conversation with an incredibly intelligent, trustworthy economic guru for me to believe that paying a private bank to have money printed was ever going to work out in favour of the people.

I will not even bother venting about the interest sales on faulty mortgages because it is just so overdone and obvious at this point, I’d be poking a dead rat. In an abandoned house. And I would not want to do that because in couple years that dead rat may have more “worth” than that house.

Enough of my exaggerated opinion of the idiocy (or should I say unjust brilliance!) that has brought about the current world economy. I shall recoil my tangent and attend the subject at hand. The non-existence of money.

You used to be able to get a breakfast at IHOP for a toonie. That toonie breakfast is now $2.99. So what is another dollar when it is so cheap already, right? Well, in fact, it is a %50 increase from 8 months ago. For my fellow millennials – QUIT IGNORING THIS ABSURD INFLATION! It is NOT normal. It is NOT pattern. It is extremely nonstandard and most of us would rather sit idly by refusing to acknowledge our efficacy in the matter.

I digress. I have found benefit in even this. If inflation keeps accelerating the way it is, my school debt load will appear as pocket change in a few short years. Boo-Yah!

As a result, I view this currency that rocks our world and shapes our health and our happiness as arbitrary at best. Even if the men in the G8 or G20 have perfectly calculated this mad mess, attempting to fight it would be accepting that money is real and tangible. When in fact, it is as concrete as my Grandmother’s hearing aids. You can touch ‘em, you can smell ‘em, you can use them and you can even taste them if you so please, but it doesn’t change that fact that they don’t work worth a damn!

The Millennial Boon

2009-06-22T10:05:00.000+10:00

Tapping Into the Millennial (Blood)stream

By Trina Isakson

Loved this article about the Millennials. While I can't say I know one individual who fits all the markers the piece points out, I know I relate a lot of them to myself, and the ones I don't personally fit, I have many friends who do.

It's a great knowledge tool for anyone in management these days and anyone trying to lead a team of the below 30 crowd. While it relates specifically to the volunteer sector, it all overlays to multiple industries.

I think I might share this with my director. Entitled? I am not. Driven, however, now that's a better word for it...

Beauty Regardless

2009-06-14T02:25:00.000+10:00

If it was not for the glimpse of the city lights on the water under the bridge I might have kept running. Ran right past the beauty, not stopping to let the glow of the city push pause on my mind. Briefly, I let out a sigh of amazement, my legs decelerate my pace and my run becomes a standstill, eyes peering through the chain link fence out towards the skyline, over the water, under the soft pink clouds. As though an expression of dispute, the harbor waters appear deep purples and blues from reflections of the night sky, the range hidden sun, and downtown’s synthetic lights. The traffic, still rushing behind me despite midnight’s arrival, refuses me a silent peace to just enjoy what’s before me, and yet it adds to the atmosphere of this Sunday experience. It adds character and in the disrupt it acknowledges what my eyes and the visual beauty cause me to ignore. The destruction.

What I’m looking at is not a natural phenomenon. It’s not a piece of art created for my enjoyment. In fact, it’s a mistake. It is a cluster of industry, technology, man-made living, pollution, earthly desolation and disrespect. This cityscape, in which I stand in awe of without initial thought of the destruction beneath it, is absolutely stunning despite what we’ve caused.

I will not write another article about how we destroy our earth, our city. There is no need for a environmentally-uneducated young adult to produce an opinion piece on how to create passion to improve the planet’s health. Yet in my optimism, I still see the beauty in this atmosphere and that speaks of a whole new passion to me.

It speaks of challenge and of growth. It speaks of hard times, and of good. It speaks of faith more than anything.

Faith by having one simple realization: Even in the destruction and friction we cause in this world, it is made beautiful.

No matter how bad we think we are doing – God can do wonders with it.

No matter how big we screw up – there is opportunity to be created from it.

No matter how hard we make it on ourselves – we can be helped through it.

And just think, I could have ran right by that water, ran right by that sky, ran right by that piece of beauty that God was able instill in this world regardless of our carelessness and selfishness.